The Wedding of Two Weebs: Intimate Wedding di Bale Nusa

Wow I went through a whole year without posting (as if anybody's waiting for my updates, on a blog even. Who reads blogs these days?). Nevertheless, aku mau posting di sini soal wedding-ku karena mungkin, mungkiiin, ada yang butuh info nikah di venue nikahku kemarin dan dengan kekuatan SEO postinganku sampai di layar orang yang membutuhkan.

Setelah berkali-kali ngeliat nikahan kakak-kakak sepupu, dan beberapa kali bantu urus nikahan, terutama nikahan adikku di 2021, aku jadi punya kriteria sendiri nikahanku mau gimana. Semua sepupuku nikahnya di gedung. Aku sendiri ngerasa, hmmm agak membosankan ya di gedung. Meskipun hampir pasti akan nyaman, tapi aku lebih suka liat natural lights dan tanaman-tanaman asli. Aku juga ga pengen beliin kain seragaman, karena selain nambah budget, yang dikasih kain pun jadi mesti keluar duit untuk jahit kebaya. Intinya aku gamau repot dan gamau merepotkan. Dan yang pasti, aku gamau tamu yang datang lebih dari 300 orang. Undanganku dan Tangkas sendiri sebenernya paling 100 sekian, kita lebihin sampai maksimal 300 untuk jatah tamunya orang tua. Para sepupu dan temen-temenku yang nikah duluan semua undangannya kayaknya minimal 800 orang deh, apalagi sebelum pandemi, konsep intimate wedding masih dipandang gak banget terutama sama orang-orang tua. Menurutku, itu terlalu rame, apalagi aku juga kurang suka konsep dipajang di pelaminan. Kami pengennya mingle supaya bisa beneran ketemu dan ngobrol sama tamu. And that's the kind of wedding that we got.

Target: 2019 - 2022

Setelah sepuluh tahun pacaran tanpa tanggal anniv, akhirnya kami menikah pada 16 Juli 2022 dan jadinya sekarang kami punya tanggal anniv resmi. Aku gatau apakah ada orang yang kukenal irl yang bakal baca blog-ku (lowkey berharap gaada wkwk), tapi kalo ada, mungkin udah tau kalo aku dan Tangkas udah bareng sejak SMA. We kinda took it slow, jalanin sekolah-kuliah-kerja aja dulu santai ga buru-buru. Baru pada 2019 kami nge-set planning nikah yang konkrit dan mulai bikin joint account khusus untuk tabungan nikah. Seingetku, waktu itu kami ga targetin "2022 kita nikah", cuma kita targetin 2022 mau kekumpul duit sekian rupiah. Nanti, setelah kekumpul uangnya, baru kita set tanggal dan booking segala macem. Kami pengen nikah pake uang sendiri supaya acaranya bisa sesuai yang kita mau, dan anti ngutang/kredit setelah nikah masih nyicil bayar printilan nikah :") jadi tentunya duitnya mesti kekumpul dulu.

Tapi namanya juga rencana, bisa mulus, bisa juga belok-belok. Pandemi happened, kami yang lagi LDR beda negara sejak 2018 terpaksa gabisa ketemu sama sekali selama 2,5 tahun. Kami terakhir ketemu Desember 2019. Pada kesempatan itu, kami bersama udah menyampaikan maksud mau menikah ke orang tua masing-masing.

Sejak pandemi, semua komunikasi kami hanya online. Maret-Juni 2020, kerjaanku sempet cukup hit rock bottom sehingga aku gabisa nabung selama beberapa bulan. Pertengahan 2020 baru mulai picking up the pieces, aku mulai nabung lagi tapi belum bisa sebanyak dulu (niat awalnya, kami menetapkan masing-masih nabung sejuta sekian tiap bulan, jadi jumlah totalnya nanti 50-50). Tapi yaudah apa boleh buat, nabung semampunya aja. Syukurnya, kerjaan dan penghasilan Tangkas sama sekali ga terganggu jadi dia tetep nabung sejumlah nominal awal.

Actually Getting Married: March - June 2022

Venue & Food

Di akhir 2021, kami mulai serius cari vendor. Semua vendor yang pernah aku save di IG aku cek satu-satu pricelist-nya, dimulai dari venue. Aku punya beberapa kriteria untuk venue nikahku, berdasarkan pengalamanku dateng maupun bantu ngurus nikahan orang:

1. Restoran, karena aku males nyobain katering satu persatu. Maunya sekaligus dapet tempat dan makanan.

2. Semi-outdoor, kayak yang udah kujelasin di atas. Aku mau yang ada indoor-nya juga supaya bisa ngadem kalo panas atau neduh kalo ujan, terutama buat orang tua kami dan tamu-tamu yang berumur.

3. Masih deket rumah dan aksesnya gampang, baik untuk kami pengantin dan keluarganya, juga untuk tamu. Jadi gamau yang tempatnya nyempil atau di antah-berantah. Juga menghindari area macet.

Karena rumahku dan Tangkas di area Bintaro, Jaksel minggir dikit, jadi opsi-opsi utama kami mesti yang masih termasuk Bintaro greater area. Ciputat, Cirendeu, BSD, dan Jakarta Selatan sekitaran Kebayoran Lama dan Baru masih masuk hitungan. Opsi-opsi kami pada saat itu termasuk:

- Serambi Temu, Ciputat Timur (sangat222 deket rumahku tapi di luar budget)

- Taman Kajoe, Cilandak (bagus bgt kami berdua suka bgt tapi sangat di luar budget wkwkwk)

- Omah Pawon, Cilandak (oke sih tapi waktu itu aku masih ga sreg)

- Bumi Apsari, Lebak Bulus (aku sempet mau bgt ini tapi kenapa ya gajadi, lupa)

Ada beberapa tempat lagi tapi ga semuanya aku kontak.

Sampai suatu hari di awal 2022 aku nemu Bale Nusa. Bale Nusa ini satu gedung sama Sate Khas Senayan yang di Senayan, yaitu di lantai dua-nya. Pas lihat pricelist, harganya oke banget masuk budget semua, banyak fasilitas yang udah included (listrik gede, sound system, kursi untuk tamu, mushola, parkiran luas dan valet), akses lokasinya gampang dan semua orang pasti tau jadi gabakal nyasar. Waktu itu Tangkas belum balik ke Indonesia, jadi aku survey tempatnya sama ibuku. Kami makan di sana, dianterin lihat-lihat, dan langsung mantep apalagi staff yang ngobrol sama aku sangat helpful dan komunikatif. Makanan yang disajikan di venue adalah makanan restoran group-nya si Sate, jadi udah gausah diragukan enaknya lah ya. Pulangnya, aku kirim video tur di Bale Nusa dan pricelist ke Tangkas. Dia juga langsung setuju, jadi langsung booking deh tuh untuk 16 Juli 2022.

Bale Nusa ini ga gede-gede amat, tapi juga ga sempit, dia bisa nampung 150 pax. Undangan kami sebenernya total ada hampir 300 pax. Karena ga cukup, solusinya kami bikin dua sesi acara: sesi satu yang dimulai dari akad dan silaturahmi khusus untuk keluarga, dan sesi dua khusus untuk teman-teman dan kerabat lainnya. Di sesi satu acaranya cukup formal, kami di pelaminan aja dan tamu nyamperin, ya standarlah. Baru di sesi dua acaranya lebih kasual karena yang dateng juga temen-temen doang. Di sesi dua ini kami mingle. Seneng, deh, ga cuma salaman-foto-bye aja jadinya.

Vendors

Booking-bookingan ga selesai sampai di venue. Masih ada buanyaakk banget hal lain yang mesti diurus: booking penghulu, beli mas kawin dan cincin, attire cpp-cpw, attire keluarga, dekor, fotografer, seserahan, box seserahan, undangan berapa banyak dan siapa aja. Kami cuma punya sekitar 4 bulan untuk ngurusin printilan nikah. Terpaksa mepet karena Tangkas cuma bisa leave 4 bulan dari kantornya dan setelah nikah aku ikut ke negara tempat blio kerja heuheu. Dan bukan wedding planning namanya kalau tanpa drama~

Dari aku dan Tangkas sendiri sih sebenernya gaada berantem. Tapi masalah kecil-kecil muncul dari orang tua dan keluarga yang pengen ini dan itu hehe~ common sih ya. Sejak awal, kami udah menetapkan konsepnya adalah "situ yang undang, situ yang bayar", alias kalo orang tua kami mau ada nambah jatah undangan, mereka yang nambahin budgetnya karena aku dan Tangkas hanya menyiapkan budget untuk tamu kami sendiri yang memang kami kenal dekat. Di luar soal budget yah ada miskom-miskom tapi gaada masalah gede dan semuanya resolved dengan cepat. 

Oh ya, kami ga pake WO secara resmi. Kami cuma minta bantuan sama temen deketku yang memang part time sebagai WO, lalu dia manggil temennya dua apa tiga orang untuk bantu dia di hari H. Tapi temen kami ini ngurus acara lamaran kami full sendirian wkwk keren.

Berikut list vendor yang kami pakai:

• Dekor: IG @theeveplanner. Ini owner-nya temen SMA kami!! Emang cakep punya, bisa dicek sendiri. Design cantik, staff komunikatif dan gampang dihubungi, profesional, oke banget lah.
• Fotografer: IG @libloppicture. Sebenernya nyari fotografer agak sulit journey-nya, karena yang sesuai sama kemauan kami pada di luar budget :") sampai akhirnya ketemu sama Liblop. yang style dan harganya sesuai sama kami.
• Cincin CPW: IG @heavenlynirwana. Aku bm banget cincin diamond sebenernya wkwkwk tapi kan mahal yak, eh nemu pengganti diamond yang juga lebih ramah lingkungan karena dibuat secara sintetis di lab, yaitu moissanite. Bisa baca di sini perbedaan diamond vs moissanite. Di Heavenly Nirwana, aku pesen cincin custom buat kami berdua, eh tapi ternyata cincin CPP-nya kekecilan banget. Karena pas pesen cincin Tangkas belum ada di Indo jadi gabisa ngukur langsung.
• Cincin CPP: akhirnya beli cincin silver di DParis hehe
• Attire CPW-CPP: attire kami jahit custom di penjahit langganan temen. Aku gabisa spill namanya karena blio punya project sendiri, takutnya ini info yang gaboleh di-spill wkwk.
• Tray seserahan: IG @by.afafie. Untuk tray seserahan, karena besar-besar dan berat, kami nyari yang lokasinya masih deket rumah supaya gampang ambilnya. Ketemulah sama By Afafie ini. Lokasinya di Sawah Baru, Ciputat. Masih nempel sama Bintaro area UPJ dan Bintaro Exchange. 
• Souvenir: IG @schatziscent. Souvenir kami adalah scented candle, cocok banget sama aku karena aku fanssss beratttt scented candle. Awalnya untuk souvenir kami serahkan pada nasib yang penting murah dan cakep, eh dapet deh scented candle dari Schatzi. Nemu di toko ijo. Wanginya enak, udah termasuk individual box dan custom gift tag. Bener-bener satset aja pas pesen souvenir ini.
• MC: kami pakai dua MC berbeda untuk dua sesi acara. Di sesi satu, ada Tante Munik namanya, beliau adalah temen sekolahnya ibuku. Beliau langganan jadi MC di acara wisudaan UI, dan waktu aku wisuda (kebetulan juga dari UI), beliau ketemu ibuku dan bilang, "pokoknya kalo anakmu nikah, aku MC-nya, ya!". Karena beliau sangat pro dan menawarkan jasanya, jadi untuk akad kami sama beliau. Kalau di sesi dua, kami pakai temannya teman. Dia juga MC pro tapi lebih ke yang anak muda gitu. Mau naro IG-nya tapi IG dia bukan IG business jadi gaenak mau naro sini heueheu.
• Makeup pengantin, dua ibu, dan sister of the bride: semuanya Mecapan Wedding, termasuk hijabdo. Banyakkk banget pilihan MUA-nya bagus-bagus sampe bingung wkwkwk.

Kayaknya sih itu udah semua, ya. Kami emang gak yang budget wedding banget, tapi juga ga hedon banget. Total habisnya kira-kira antara 101-105jt, tapi nominal ini termasuk acara lamaran dan hal-hal lain di luar resepsi, seperti penghulu, transport dan akomodasi pengantin dan keluarga besar pengantin kayak nginep di hotel dll karena saudara dekat kami banyak yang dari luar kota. Kalau resepsinya doang sih kayaknya di bawah 70jt deh. Masih okelah untuk nikah aesthetic di Jakarta.

Epilog: The Dream Wedding

Alhamdulillah aku seneng banget dream wedding-ku tercapai dan Tangkas juga suka sama semua vendor kami. Having seen so many weddings my whole life, I couldn't help but to have my own dream wedding yang alhamdulillah kesampaian, mana nikahnya sama suamiku yang terbaik-ik-ikkk banget. Kalo penasaran, dream wedding-ku kriterianya apa aja, sih? Nih aku kasih list:

• Venue restoran semi-outdoor
• Bisa mingle
• Gapake band, kami pake sound system yang nge-play lagu-lagu kami sendiri dari Spotify. Soalnya band tuh kencenggg banget suaranya, jadi susah kalo mau ngobrol. Padahal kan aku pengen haha-hihi sama tamu, bukan hah-hoh-hah-hoh. Lagu-lagu wedding band juga mostly ga masuk kuping kami, maklum aku sama Tangkas wibu tua huhu sukanya lagu-lagu nipon :D tapi di nikahan kami gak yang nge-play openingnya Demon Slayer juga kok. Masih tau diri lah.
• Gapake adat. Bukannya ga nasionalis, tapi aku gamau bertele-tele pake ritual kedaerahan. Maunya ya akad sesuai agama aja, abis itu resepsi ngiter-ngiter. Aku juga gamau pake attire adat karena ga pengen ada pihak keluarga yang salty karena ngerasa adatnya dia diabaikan. Selain itu, aku ga pengen pake head dress mau itu suntiang ataupun siger karena takut akunya ga nyaman (aku suku Jawa-Minang dan Tangkas suku Sunda). Juga ga pengen pake kebaya karena pake kebaya formal selama berjam-jam tuh sesakkk.
• Hanya mengundang orang-orang yang kukenal dekat. Untuk undangan jatah teman-teman, kami cuma ngundang temen se-circle. Meskipun ada circle SMP, SMA, kuliah, tetap lebih intimate daripada ngundang satu kelas atau seangkatan lah ya.

Alhamdulillah senenggg banget ini semua kesampaian, padahal aku udah punya kriteria ini dari sebelum pacaran sama Tangkas wkwk. Buat kamu yang lagi wedding planning, inget, marriage life lebih penting daripada wedding jadi siapkan diri kamu buat hidup setelah resepsi yaa. Yang masih punya trauma, healing dulu ke psikolog atau psikiater. Jangan kira kalau setelah nikah otomatis hidupmu akan bahagia selamanya berdua karena pernikahan dan cinta itu butuh effort anjay ew geli sendiri wkwkwk. Good luck!

Enjoy some more pics~

Keeping in Touch

Sooo 2 days ago I just remembered that I have a blog and was kind of wondering, how is it going? Of course, there was nothing going on because apparently I hadn't logged in since 2019. Spent an hour trying to logged in because I kind of forgot which e-mail I use and which password. I was still surprised and a bit amazed that my last entry was in 2019. I thought it was gonna be further back.

I don't really have anything to write about so I'll probably just write some updates so in 10 years I'll look back on this post and be like, "oh this is how I was when I was 27" and hope I won't cringe.

C A T S

Yes, cats are very important. My family adopted 2 cats. The older cat is Keket, not sure if I have written about her here. She moved in to our house in 2017 when she was 4 years old. Lately, I feel like she's grown more open to me. She regularly meows in front of my room everyday at around 5pm to just... hang out. She would just sit on my bed next to me when I'm chilling or she would sit on my lap if I'm on my laptop. After like 20 minutes or so, she just walks out of the door. She's only been doing this for the past one year and I'd like to believe that that's how she shows love.

Our second cat is Haru. We have her since she was a baby. She moved in just last year when she was very smol. She has a truckload of energy even after we neutered her, but gets upset stomach often. Just 2 days ago she had diarrhea. She doesn't really like to be touched but she enjoys being with people. Sometimes she just follows me when I walk around the house.

P A N D E M I C

If you haven't heard yet, the whole world is in a pandemic for a bit over a year now. I got my first dose of vaccine yesterday.

On the subject of R O M A N C E

Ooh, romance. Smexy, hawt, and steamy romance... not. My boyfriend, who lives in Malaysia since 2018, still can't come home for also a bit over a year now because of the pandemic. It's been 1,5 years since we last see each other in the flesh, as if it wasn't hard enough keeping a long distance relationship.

But weirdly enough, I feel like the quality of our communication sort of boosted up and has highly improved. It was quite hard at first because we needed to find ways to adapt to this situation and I was a bit on the edge because so many things in my life were changing in the early pandemic days. After series of fighting and debates through the phone, we figured things out and be more open and try to talk about things more because... what else can we do now other than talking? Other than our movie dates that we've been having since before the pandemic.

F R I E N D S

One thing I'm most grateful for lately is because of the pandemic, I got to reconnect with my old friends from school. It's not that we were out of touch or anything, but like we talk and meet with each other more. Even when we don't, I feel like we've became more sincere and there for each other than before (remember when I felt like we were just "pretending" to be friends because we were in the same circle of friends but not actually, personally close?).

There's actually so many details about these things but I won't go there because you (me in the future) will probably be bored. Also I'm still so sleepy, either because of the vaccine or because I spent 6 hours chatting on the phone with my boyfriend. I'm actually glad that I recovered this blog because I was kind of out of touch with my feelings these days and wished I could sort them out like I used to. Turns out, writing on the blog is the way to do it.

I may have to write more.

How I Found Friends in My Friends Again

Sometimes in the first 14 years of my life, there were several times when I was not accepted for who I was by my "friends". w0w shocking. Everybody must've been there, too, but this is how I gradually became convinced that there really was something wrong with me that made people go away, and how I started to pick myself up again, piece by piece, with the help of my friends.

Ganged Up On and Straight, Literal Bullying
*instead of using him/her, I'm using "they/them/their" to be gender neutral

I was bullied twice in primary school by a gang of senpais seniors. They'd block my way at school when we accidentally bump into each other, gather some of my friends to blame me for things I didn't understand, call me a hoe in Bahasa Indonesia (masih SD loh!!!), they even came to my house just to call me from outside and walked pass me while looking at me menacingly. That was very weird tbh. But enough to make me quite scared to go to school.

Remember those days when you were just a little child, you had a circle of friendship, then someone in that circle unintendedly irritated you, so you decided to badmouth them behind their back, then everyone in the circle started hating them too because they agreed with you, and the whole circle members started to ignore them and excluding them without telling them why? Well, I was that kid you excluded. Once in kindergarten, and once again in middle school. So many age gap but same, juvenile behavior. Since then, I became a quieter kid though I was still so much more capable to make friends than now. But since that event in middle school, I started to internalize the idea that if people hate me, that would be because of my flaw. Even when I was just being myself.

Lost Love (like that song by The Temper Trap)

Back in 2012, senior year, I broke up with my boyfriend whom I'd been dating for 1,5 year. That was the longest relationship I ever had at the time, and I loved the guy sincerely. We started out as friends in the same circle so when we broke up, I felt like the circle sorta split into two. This one actually traumatized me the most and I started to build higher walls around myself from this point on. This was me being super insecure and self-conscious, but I felt like my ex was straight-out distancing himself from me, even though we agreed to be friends and he promised to be the closest person to me still, just after the break up (ugh). We'd still see each other literally every day at school and at supplementary school, so his behavior really bothered me (not to mention it made me hurt).

When I said the group split into two, it really meant some of them spent their time more with him and less with me. There were times when him and the other half of the group would go together watch a movie or do other random things but they didn't bother to invite me, but when I reached out to them they remembered to invite the other members. I even went out of my way to confront them about how I felt but they denied it and said that it was just me being too sensitive.

So I just came to the conclusion that something really was wrong with me. I was convinced (or I convinced myself) that I was disposable, insecure, and too sensitive. Break-ups happen all the time, I'd broken up with some people before, so it was normal, but why did the break-up led to losing friends as well? Oh, right, it was because of me. I was at fault. Those were the things I came to believe for years, and the experience changed me.

Entering college, I realized that my perspective towards friendships and romantic relationships shifted. I became cynical towards any kind of intimacy with other human being, despite having a new boyfriend (who is still with me for 7 years now). I  became acquainted with new people, but I convinced myself that none of them were my friends. Even the ones I ate lunch and do homework together with all the time through all 4 years of college. When they started to confide in me, I still could not confide in them. I guarded myself so cautiously to make sure that they wouldn't leave me. I was like Eren and the people of Shiganshina, trying to cover myself from the Titans that was intimacy behind Wall Rose after Wall Maria was breached.  I made myself believe that I was satisfied with this kind of friendship; the one where I forbade myself to share too much private things about me even though they let me walk together with them through their hard times.

Eventually, my views were starting to change not long after I graduated. I worked together with 2 of my college friends (2 of the gang whom I ate lunch and do homework together with all the time). We spent even more time together and got even closer. As clichè as it sounds, it actually surprised me that time really did heal. Somehow I just couldn't bear to put up my walls anymore. I gradually opened up, actually they were the first people whom I told this story to. I started to admit that I was scared and insecure. And guess what, they stayed. They understood perfectly and they were willing to help me pass through it. It just started to sink into me that we all have our own insecurities and if their friendship is real, they won't leave you just because you're weird. After all, they're also "weird" and that's what made us friends in the first place.

2019: PLANS. BOOKS. STUFF.

Yo! It's starting to get noisy outside because it's new year's eve and the neighborhood kids are lighting up fireworks. Fireworks are pretty but we really should ban it from civil use. Some people prefer sleep more y'know.

Last new year's eve and the years before I spent them with my friends from middle school but not this year. On this new year's eve I've just finished working (who works on a new year's eve tho!? (Me because I love my job ehehe)). I thought it was still too early to sleep so I decided to write something before the year ends.

I'm not the type to make new year's resolutions, some "new year new me" BS because well I think you don't need to wait until 1st of January to start being a better person. But nevertheless, I got some goals and stuff I want to achieve in 2019 so here is one of them.

B O O K S .

I love to read ever since I was a fetus. I read anything that interests me: manga, novels, articles, people's blogs. One of the things that I like to do is trying to analyze the personality of a manga/anime character using the theories I read in my text books from university. Not that it made my GPA rocketed up but I find it amusing. So when I came to realization that my interest towards books has been decreasing over the years, I feel sad. I had this conversation a few days ago with my two friends who are also huge nerds, that they have been feeling the same way. For me, it's not that I don't like to read anymore. I still read, lots actually, but mostly manga. Fiction novels hardly ever interest me anymore, especially fantasy stuff. Even when I do get interested at a book, it was always non-fiction. I dunno I barely relate to what fiction has to offer now.

Realizing this, I tried to pick up some books at the end of 2017. Tomorrow is 2019 and I barely finished them. I'm a slow reader, but the fact that I didn't finish even just three books actually saddens me. ㅠㅠ These are what I read:

I get bored extremely easily, it's not that the books are bad or boring. It's really just me who can't maintain my attention (can I blame social media for this?). Even now I have picked another book (and still haven't finished it also). This is what I've been reading since November 2018:

And so yesterday I watched PewDiePie's video about the books he read in 2018:

https://youtu.be/pNar3Dh9zDk

It's obviously clickbait. He didn't read 721. He read 72 books. BUT STILL. THAT'S AN AMAZING NUMBER.

So I decided that in 2019, I would try to read more. Not just books with a bunch of illustrations in them. Prolly one book a month? 30 mins of reading a day? I dunno, but being able to finish at least one is an achievement for me.

Yep let's see if I can make it true or if this is just a lip-service.

May we all become the better versions of ourselves this year.

耳をすませば

Alice: Oh, but that's nonsense. Flowers can't talk.
The Rose: But of course we can talk, my dear.
The Orchid: If there's anyone around worth talking to.

Growing up as someone who's often been told that I'm too quiet or keeping everything inside, in my late teens I realized something: most people don't really listen. Listening is different than hearing, which in my personal opinion is a very fortunate skill to have. You don't even need to have ears to listen, especially in this day and age where everything can be conveyed through the tip of your fingers.

I grew up in a household where there were two narcissistic adults—one was more than the other
—who talked a lot with loud, striking voices, so I was used to feeling tuned out. They did listen sometimes though, but mostly they listened to reply. When they were blaming someone else for something bad that happened, when they needed their insights to be forced unto their kids, when they needed to vent. Sometimes for reasons that are seemingly good but actually not really: to seek for solutions, especially if I talked to them about my problems, even when I didn't ask for them to resolve my issues for me. When I think about it again, people who fall into the latter description don't actually trying to help others: they're trying to help themselves. It's probably an ego-filled desire, to satisfy some kind of need to be needed.

Anyway.

The older I get, the easier it gets for me to distinguish people's intention in listening
—not only to me, but when I listen to other people converse as well. Note that "listening" doesn't always require your ears, but also your eyes and brains, like when you scroll through Twitter.

The most common example that I found is people listen to compare their own experience or insights with their opposite. Things as simple as, "I like this song!" when a mainstream pop song plays on the radio, where the opposite replies with, "really? I hate this song so much".

Sometimes it's just trivial stuff, but other times it can be more destructive. I'm sure we all know how it feels when we share our distress to a friend and they thoughtlessly interrupt with, "omg I know how you feel, once I blah blah blah" and they go on about their "similar" experience, even though you haven't finished your story. Or worse, they would reply with "it's just a simple matter, I've been through a lot worse". Then you feel annoyed or disheartened that you don't even bother to continue.

Long ago I stumbled across a quote that said, "the reason we have two ears and just one mouth is so we could listen more and talk less". I might seem quiet for most people, but to people who I consider close to me know how talkative I can be when I want to. It's just that I filter the people who I think are worthy to talk to.

In a little while
I'll be gone
The moment's already passed
Yeah it's gone
And I'm not here

Radiohead - How to Disappear Completely

If you know me in real life, you'd know that my main concern in mental health field is depression, including its causes and its variety of levels and clinical names. I haven't even moved on from Chester Bennington's death and now another great artist, Kim Jonghyun of SHINee, took his own life four days ago. Online articles keep writing about his depression and his funeral procession, and it doesn't help ease the pain.

This phone call, it's... it's my note. That's what people do, don't they? Leave a note?

– Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock: The Reichenbach Fall ep. 3

Jonghyun did leave a note, saying how he blamed himself for feeling depressed; a "normal" thing to do for a clinically depressed person. But he wrote something that ticked me:
"But they said I should live.
I asked why so many times, but it's not for me. It's for you.
I wanted to be for me."
(translation from allkpop.com)
  
"It's not for me.. It's for you."

A couple years ago, a friend came to me telling how she wanted to end her life. Back then I kept thinking to myself, if she were to ask me why she should keep living, what would my answer be?
That it would make me sad because she was a precious friend?
That it would sadden her family?
That it would make her girlfriend grieve?
But that's what other people would feel. What about her own feelings? What should I say that wasn't going to sound selfish? What kind of answer that would bring back her purpose in life? Is there even a right answer?

I didn't know.

A person who's depressed commonly lose their will to even do things they usually love. Their passion doesn't seem to matter anymore, so I figured it'd be useless to say "don't die because you have a great talent in art". So what? My friend, Chester, and Jonghyun were all talented and successful artists yet they still (wanted to) take their own lives. Nothing mattered anymore.

"Why? I can't even end things the way I want?", Jonghyun wrote.

I wish I could came up with a better answer than "I don't know". 

cut open

Dear God,
dear people,
dear anyone who reads this,

I can't seem to calm down these days, and I mean it in a bad way.
My anxiety level keeps increasing, my heart beats fast as if I'm running — I haven't even had my usual dose of caffeine today.
This past few weeks I kept losing sleep at night even though I was tired from work. Even until last night, each time I closed my eyes, I thought of things that never happened: I imagined scenarios with people I used to be close with but not anymore; I imagined talking to them about stuff I wished I could talk to them about.
Even at day when I'm awake, words and thoughts are all jumbled in my head, altogether rushing to come out. Sickening. I feel like I want to throw up all the time.
I do want them to come out; I don't know how to make it happen.
It's like I can't organize my mind at all.

But worst of all, whenever I try to sleep, I constantly feel like someone's watching me.
It's most likely impossible, I know that. Even if it's true I can't even tell because I don't have some kind of supernatural ability.

I'm stressed... I think, I just don't know why.
There must be some demon I've yet to uncover that ravels under my subconsciousness and crawl under my brain.

I think I need help.
Help.

[working title] - ch 1

The constant beep from the heart monitor woke me up. My eyes were blurry, and my back was aching as I tried to sit up straight.
My left hand searched for my glasses on the nearest surface. Found it. I tried to recognize where I was as soon as I got my sight back. Everything was white.
A hospital room?
I got down from the bed and swiped open the curtain next to me. There was another bed... with a girl on it. The beeping sound came from her heart monitor. Well, it was still beeping, so I guessed she was either sleeping or unconscious. I walked closer toward her to see her face. Now everything started to rushing back to my head.

I was on my way to school when she suddenly flew right in front of my car on an empty crossroad. I stopped and came out of the car to check if she was alright. Her forehead had been bleeding, that explained the bandage that wrapped her head. I remembered how blood boiled in my head, but I couldn't remember anything after that. I must have had panicked and fainted. Did it happen this morning?

I opened the little drawer next to her, trying to find her belongings. I thought perhaps I could get some idea of who she was and what was she doing, jumping to a moving car like that.
Gotcha. Her phone. It wasn't password-protected. I moved my thumb rapidly across the screen. Camera roll, text, e-mail, phone book... none. They were all empty. But the battery was full. As if it was newly-bought.
"It's rude to rummage through other people's phone, you know".
"Whoa!"
Startled, I threw the phone and jumped a few steps back. The girl was just awake.
"Hey! You're gonna break it," she yelled, abruptly sitting up. "Ouch!"
"Hey, take it easy. Lie back down. You just got hit by a car," I said, holding her back with one arm and gently pushing her shoulder down with another.
"Ow... apparently so," said her. She touched her bandaged forehead. "You hit me with your car."
I started to panic again but I tried to sound as calm as I could possibly be even though my heartbeat was deafening my eardrums.
I hit her by my car. Right, that is a fact. But I didn't see her coming, that can be my alibi, right? I'm not guilty, right? Oh God, oh God... I've never been more scared in my entire life.
"Technically, it's my mother's," I replied, dropping my shaking body into the couch in a second that lasted like an hour long. All of a sudden my legs felt super heavy. I was so sure that she would hit the "help" button to call the doctors, tell on me, then the doctors would call the police, and then I would be jailed for attempt murder. My imagination alone was enough to ruin my unforeseen future. Where is that car anyway?

She saw my face and chuckled. "Don't worry, I'm not going to report you. I ran into your car on purpose."
I furrowed my eyebrows. "Come again?"
"I was trying to kill myself," she said with a smile.
I could feel my eyebrows furrowed even further, though I knew it wasn't possible. "Um... correct me if I'm wrong, but don't people normally say those kinds of things without smiling?"
She grinned even wider. "Haha, relax. But seriously, I'm sorry. You even waited for me here. Didn't you have somewhere to go?"
"Where else would I be after almost killing someone on the street? Thank God I'm not in prison right now. Besides, I wasn't waiting for you to come to. I passed out on the street right after I ran you over, so I was put in the bed right there," I replied, still trying to sound calm but for a whole other reason. But it was obvious I couldn't, so I sounded half-yelling.
"I see. I'm really sorry," she said, still wearing that stupid weird smile on her face. I couldn't tell if she was actually sorry. "You can go if you want".
"Err... yeah, I just need to see the doctor first before leaving. You know, so they won't freak out if they find out my bed is empty."

I was halfway toward the door, ready to turn the knob.
"Wait," she stopped me. "If they ask anything about this, we will agree that this was all an accident, okay? You were just driving, and I just wasn't looking because... um... I was in a hurry, so I crossed the street running. Okay?" she demanded.
My head was still processing everything that had happened, so I quickly agreed because I couldn't think of anything anyway at the time.

I opened the door and called a nurse. She called another nurse and told her to get the doctor. A minute later, the medical team escorted me back to my bed, checked my vital signs, and asked a lot of questions that I couldn't recall. I just answered everything honestly because there wasn't even any time for me to make up my answers. After all, it was all an accident. I glanced over to my left and saw her sleeping. Not long after that, they let me go home. I didn't say goodbye or anything to that girl because she was still sleeping when I left.

"I was trying to kill myself."
What the hell was that? What kind of answer was that? Was she messing up with me?
I decided to get over it because I didn't know how to find her even if I wanted to. Although even after a week, I realized I couldn't.

***

Ding-dong. Ding-dong. Ding-dong.

JESUS CHRIST. It was only 7.13 a.m. and I've only fell asleep like two hours ago because I had the night shift at my part-time job. I swear, if it's that kid again from the third floor who sells cookies, I will put a lizard in his backpack next time he goes to school.
I peeked through the peeping hole.
Knock-knock. "Hello, anybody home?" said the uninvited guest.

Then there she was, standing on the other side of my apartment door: the girl I almost killed.

a dinner with the demon

sometimes in my sleep
I would dream
that I'm having a dinner
with my demon

in a nice, simple restaurant
we would sit facing each other
talking about life
while eating a grilled salmon

we would laugh,
me and you;
that's something we're
unfamiliar with now

we wouldn't talk
about what we could've been
because we were already
what we could've been:

friends

so after I was finished
with my meal
I would wake up feeling
mad

knowing that I
can never have a dinner with my demon
is a nightmare
came true

Counting blessings

Today I discovered 3 of the best feelings in the world:

1. Finally knowing the title and artist of a song that has been resounding in your brain for days, without even knowing the lyrics.
2. Watching your pet sleeping peacefully next to you, knowing that s/he is healthy.
3. Making a cold coffee for yourself to freshen up and it actually fulfill your expectations.

A renowned psychologist, Martin Seligman, who is best known for conceptualizing Positive Psychology, once told me to "instead of focusing on what went wrong in your day, write down 3 things that went right, and do this everyday before you go to sleep".

Everyday I try my best to be grateful of the things that I have or happened to me, and Seligman's advice is a very simple way to be so. Once you try to spot those 3 things that went right, you start to notice other good things that happened to you and suddenly you just can't really stop being glad. Satisfied. Positive. Grateful.

I think being grateful is one of the best ways to start feeling happy.

Upside-down

I've always woken up to the sound of someone's running: subtle stomps, squeaky shoes. But I wasn't this morning.
I came out of my room and saw a familiar door was closed─it's nothing unusual, it's always been closed. But something felt different.
I walked past a line of mugs on the dining table. All the mugs were full of water, except yours. Yours was empty. It was upside-down.
Things were different because a change was happening. A change that I've longed for so long. A change that I believed would be good.

Then I realized that it would stay that way for God knows how long.

"Good luck for your future endeavors", I guess.

Reasons to hate a close friend of yours

Last night, I spent hours talking on the phone with my best friend.

Me: I'm gonna tell you something that's been bothering me in a long time. This is the kind of thing that I'm afraid to let out, because I'm afraid that the people who are close to me will hate me. Including you, actually.

Him: what is it?

Me: the truth is... I don't really like X, one of my close friends. You know I've spent a lot, like, a lot of time with her these past few years. And I'm not the type of person who hates someone easily.

Him: yeah, I kinda get that hint because you told me some of the stuff she did that you didn't like.

Me: exactly... but you know she and I are in good terms. We never fought, we never had any conflict. Some disagreements maybe, but it's normal, right? That doesn't mean I have to hate someone who doesn't think in the same way I do.

Him: do you hate her or just some things she did?

Me: it's kinda hard to separate those two... I feel like I don't like her in general, I don't really enjoy being with her, and everything she does just... annoy me. Even though she does nothing wrong.

Him: what about her that you don't like?

Me: when I see her, or listen to her, it all feels... fake. Like, everything she does feels fake, it's as if she's acting the whole time to make the best impression. The way she does things, the way she talks, the way she thinks... feels not genuine. I mean, I know she had helped me with so many things, and when she's helping me, it feels sincere, not acting at all. But other times, like how she lives her life in general, doesn't feel that way. It's weird, right? I don't even know if that's true.

Him: maybe you're jealous of her? Is there something she got or has that makes you feel envious?

Me: I don't think so. Every event that happened in her life or everything she has that I know of is not what I want for me.

Him: hmm...

Me: there were some things she said that elevated my feelings of dislike... Like, if usually my level of dislike toward her is 5, and then she said something that triggered me so it rose up to level 10. But then in general it lowered down to 5 again.

Him: probably you're just incompatible to each other, you know?

Me: incompatible how? I lasted 3 years being close with her and we barely fought each other!

Him: maybe both of you are just very different in many ways. You're just too A and she's just very Z. All this time you expect and assume her to be A but you never realized that she's actually Z. So when she does Z, it annoys you. And then the environment forces you to be close with her because you're in the same group of friends. That way you're with her all the time, whether you like it or not.

Me: I see your point, it's like two same poles of magnets. The closer they are, the stronger they repel each other.

Him: yeah, except that you and her are two extremely different poles, which makes this weird...

Me: lol no kidding. So what do I have to do?

Him: just act normal, you know. I know you often say mean things to people even though you don't mean to hurt them, but just be aware of what you'd say to her. Don't hurt her on purpose. It's not her fault to be the opposite of what you are.

Me: yea... okay.

"Even if it's not stylish... keep on living." - Hideyoshi Nagachika

People often say, "even if the going is tough now, keep living, and it'll get better".

Easy for them to say.

Just living is the most painful thing.

If it would release me from my regrets, I'd gladly die right now.

- Kakeru Naruse

So in the past year I'm hooked to a manga/anime series called "Orange". I accidentally found the manga when it was still ongoing like a year ago. Turned out it has one of the best story ever written in manga history (for me. And I'm not just saying this because I'm kind of an otaku.). It has a live-action movie adaptation, too.

Here's a poster

Aww look at that group of friends, they look so happy and cute together, all laughing like that. "Orange" must be a cheerful comedic story about these guys, right? WRONG.

It's one of the most tear-jerker movies I've ever watched. And I've watched a lot.

"Orange" has a theme of friendship, a tiny bit of romance, depression and suicide. Dang, right into the deep stuff. But yes, it's true. It's very deep but oddly relatable. It tells a story from a girl's perspective, Naho Takamiya, where she suddenly received a letter from herself in the future. Yes, it has a sci-fi element to it but not too much, not so illogical so it doesn't make the story ridiculous. The letter told her to save her friend/crush, Kakeru Naruse, from depression and to prevent him from committing suicide. Originally, Naho is already a group of five with those people in the poster except Kakeru (the one sitting in the middle), while Kakeru  has just transferred to Naho's school. As a very shy person, Naho has to overcome her shyness and save Kakeru with the help of her friends. It's very touching, really. I cried a bucket reading/watching all its franchises.

Kakeru Naruse

The thing that hits home for me is about handling the person who suffers from depression. I met two people who had it. One I was able to give a hand to, the other one I wasn't. That other one tried to took her life one day but thank God she was able to be saved. The day it happened haunted me so bad because she's someone I get to meet literally everyday, and I just talked with her in the morning of. I felt deep, deep regrets because I actually knew about all her problems, how she was being abused by her husband on daily basis, mentally and physically, but I didn't help her. Partly because I didn't know how to, and partly maybe because I was an ignorant jerk. Thankfully she's all better now, she said she gained her will to live once again and I still meet her everyday.

One other thing that I think relatable to real life is how the depression itself felt. In the 12th episode of the anime, there's a part from Kakeru's perspective where he does the narrating. He tells the story of how he feels what he feels right now in chronological order, and he describes how it feels (which is what I quoted in the beginning of this long babble). I for one have never experienced depression myself. As a psychology student, I only know the symptoms of depression from text books. And what Kakeru depicts in the whole story... matches all the symptoms. How he starts to lose interest in his passion, which is soccer, how he thinks he's somehow hurting the people he loves and it makes him isolating himself, and other things.

All I'm saying is, if you would like to get a better understanding about depression and how to help people who suffers from it, read/watch this. If you're not into anime or if you think reading the manga would be too long, just watch the live-action movie. It's altered a bit but you'll still get the point. I personally recommend watching the anime because the screenwriter and the director put some funny conversations in it, but any form at all, dude.

ただの夢でした - ２

I saw myself at my house. I can't remember it clearly. But I remember there was me, him, and some other people whom I think was my family.

It wasn't as crowded as the last time, I think. I was lying on the couch with some pillows supporting my head. He was crouching next to me. I don't know why.

I can't remember what started it, but I remember I was crying. I said pretty much the same stuff I told him last time. But instead of yelling, I was crying.

I kind of remember him answering, but the image isn't clear. I don't remember his response. Something inside me says that he gave me the answer I wanted. The explanation that I need. The way he talk was kind, calm, and loving. Just like how a father should be. I want to believe that.

All I know is that I felt satisfied, just like last time.






And then I woke up.

ただの夢でした - １

I saw myself at my house. I can't remember it clearly. But I remember there was me, him, and some other people whom I think was my family.

I remember me talking. I don't know what I was talking about. But I remember he rejected my opinion like usual. I heard him talking about how nonsense that thing I was talking about.

Usually, in real life, I would stay quiet if he does such thing. I never liked it, but I was helpless. I could never argue with him. I never wanted to, though, because I could never win. No matter how many people agree with me, he always wins. That's just how he is.

But right there, I saw myself standing up, literally. I stood up for myself, yelling toward him. I heard myself raising my voice, saying things like "why do you always do that? You never listen to other people's opinion, as if you think they're stupid and you're smarter than all of them. You could at least listen to what people have to say until they're finished. But you can't do even that, can you?".

I saw him stunned, speechless. I never saw him like that.
After my speech, I saw myself walking away, leaving the room.

I never saw myself like that.

I felt really good. I didn't even feel guilty for saying stuff like that – something I've been holding back my whole life. Something I thought I could never say.

The only thing I felt was satisfaction.






And then I woke up.

The town where only I am missing.

On the post before this one I said I made a Tumblr account. Originally I made it only for writing fictions. I never really liked Tumblr, it's kinda hard to tweak. Blogspot is simpler and I'm familiar with it for I've been using it since 2008.

But yesterday I thought "hey, I can give Tumblr another try". So yeah, my Tumblr account is now not only for  story-writing but also functions as an ordinary blog. Who knows I might permanently move to Tumblr and leave this Blogspot account, idk.

I named it "The Town Where Only I Am Missing.". If you've heard of an anime called "Boku Dake Ga Inai Machi" or "ERASED", then that's where the name came from. Except that I'm the one that's not missing in that town/blog.

Come check it, click here >>> http://super-aya.tumblr.com. 

Pitch black (important, long, narrative ramble about depression)

Suicide and depression have taken a lot of my concerns these past 6-7 months. I've been a psychology student for 4 years, I did have deep thoughts about those things, that you can't take them lightly as if they are minor issues. But I've never really think about it, like all the time. Probably my heavy concerns started around half a year ago when a friend came to me and talked about her depression and suicidal thoughts. What made her feel so tired of life and just wanted to end it all. All I could think about since then was what could I do to help, not only her, but also other people who may or may not have realized the tenacity to commit suicide. Simply put: I've been trying to be more aware of the symptoms in people around me, and trying to raise more awareness about it. That's why 3 of my most recent posts in this blog is about suicide.

Yesterday, one of my high school seniors took his own life. The news that spread among my high school friends was only that he died. That itself was enough to raise disbelief among us because he was a really popular guy, we knew that he had lots of friends, and he always seemed to be that crazy dude who was kinda disrespectful towards teachers, always caused troubles, but always seemed happy. Finding out that he commit suicide, I was shocked even more. He didn't look depressed at all. I guess that's what everyone would think.

I can't say that I knew him well. The only time we converse was when we introduced ourselves, and that was it. Looking at him, you'd know instantly that he was that kind of crazy dude, who would laugh anything and everything away. I think there's no one in my school that didn't know him. He was that popular. It's all enough to make me feel like I lost him.

You see, when people commit suicide, they would leave all the people around them wondering for the rest of their lives.

"Why did they do this?"

"What was haunting them?"

"What did I do wrong?"

"Was there anything I could do to help but didn't?"

"Why didn't they talk to me about it?"

"WHY?"

Unanswered questions. Regrets. Guilt.

I will never get tired of saying this:

When you feel like you're in a pitch black darkness of problems which you think you can't get out of, when you feel like ending your life is the only way,
DON'T.

It's not the only way. It will never be the way. Please, talk to someone. You don't have to wait until you feel like you want to explode. Talk, even if you think your problems are too small. Never EVER hesitate to talk just because you think people are just going to dismiss you. If you feel like your friends and family will only make it worse, go to a psychologist, a psychiatrist, or at least a psychology student. That's our job: we listen to your problems. Maybe your problems won't meet the solutions right away, but the best thing about talking it out is that you don't have to think all by yourself. You are loved, you are needed, maybe not by the people that you think they're most supposed to. But somewhere, there are people who do, maybe the most unthinkable ones. Maybe your long lost friends. Maybe someone you even forgot. You'll be missed when you're gone. You are precious. Don't ever think that you're not.

Last but not least, please try to be more aware of the people around you. Pay more attention. Never EVER belittle other people or their problems. It could be lethal. If they come to you trying to get help, the least thing you can do is listen. It's okay if you don't have a solution. Listening is a better medicine than chemical medicine.

(Earlier in the morning before I heard that news, I just wrote a chapter of what could be a continuing story. And in fact, it is about depression and suicide. It's fiction, it's still ongoing, it's still a working title (maybe), the template is still very messy, I really just signed up on Tumblr yesterday morning just for the story-writing purpose. You can read it here: http://that-corner.tumblr.com. I think it's the least I can do to raise awareness while fulfilling one of my hobbies, which is writing.)

May death never stop you

Something almost gave me a heart attack this morning, just after I did my morning prayers and was getting ready to go back to sleep. I survived, fortunately, so I could weep and drown in my tears while watching this teaser.

pic.twitter.com/kpr4a5mu80

— My Chemical Romance (@MCRofficial) July 20, 2016

After more than a year since their last tweet, they posted this: a short video of a flag with some kind of a symbol on it, waving in the air, with the piano intro of "Welcome to the Black Parade". No caption.

As a kid who has never gotten over her "emo phase", who's been a fanatic of MCR since 2006, I can only say this:

"HOLY FROG WHAT THE FROG IS GOING ON."

It's been a veeeery long time since the last time I wrote about my music preference. For those of you who don't know, My Chemical Romance holds a major part in my life. The first time I heard about them was around 2004-2005 on a mixed CD that my dad bought. The first song I know is "I'm Not Okay", which is a piece I still listen to nowadays. Going through adolescence, they kept me company, especially after they released "The Black Parade" album.

For me, MCR has helped me in many ways. They helped me make friends, online and offline. I remember how back in junior high I befriended some people just because they happened to like MCR too, and then we would hang out, talking about music, and going to concerts. I remember how I got to know lots of people through the Internet just because I found out that they were also an MCRmy (or sometimes they were the ones who found out about me). I remember how I got close with my clique in high school because they liked the bands that I liked, including MCR. I remember how I ended up dating a boy in that clique, haha. I also remember he gave me a "Danger Days" CD as a gift (don't worry I still have it, keeping it safe and sound).

MCR made me love music. In some way, they encouraged me to form a band with my friends, and we'd play MCR's songs during practice. Even though our band disbanded, we're still friends until today.

My Chemical Romance is an important part of my life not only because their musically amazing. It's also because they've helped me going through the prime time of my social life, given that I am a very introverted, socially awkward kid who was not (and still not) good at making friends.

That's why when they broke up in 2013, I felt like something was dying inside of me, as if a dear friend of mine has passed away. I'm not even exaggerating.

I don't know what will happen in September 23. Some people on the Internet said that it won't be a reunion. I guess I—we—just have to wait. At least it's a sign that MCR is not really dead after all.

The static speaks my name

...There has been a suicide in my family. My uncle committed suicide and I wasn't close to him. I didn't really know him as a person, I didn't talk to him all that much. But I knew him enough to... for it like a shock because he was such a nice person and everything, and everytime I met him he always seemed so together and normal. And, like, just one day we woke up and... my father found out that his brother had killed himself. And it was by hanging as well, so it's like... You've no idea how much of a shock it is for people... You think your life is so bad and you just wanna end it all, but it affects so many more people than you'd expect when you carry out those actions. So please, if any of you out there are going through suicide right now, or suicidal thoughts, or you've experienced suicidal friends, or family, or anything like that, please know that you are not alone in these things. There are people out there somewhere who are... who will, like, understand what you're going through. They'll be able to talk to you, get you through these hard times...

What you're going through is temporary. Suicide is permanent. It's a permanent solution for a temporary problem."

- jacksepticeye

The look of darkness

But she just wants to see
to hear,
to touch,
to go,
to feel what they feel
freely
without being looked down upon
by them
by herself
with disparaging eyes.

"You'll scare them and they'll run away",
they said
she said
but does it really matter?

"What does it mean to be happy?"
she asked,
torn apart between two choices:
"me
or
them".

She's tired of being blind,
deaf,
not because she was born that way
but because that's how they made her.

It would be much more simpler
if they would shut up
if she covers her ears
because at the end
they wouldn't matter,
not so much,
not really,
not as much as they wanted to be.