How I Found Friends in My Friends Again

Sometimes in the first 14 years of my life, there were several times when I was not accepted for who I was by my "friends". w0w shocking. Everybody must've been there, too, but this is how I gradually became convinced that there really was something wrong with me that made people go away, and how I started to pick myself up again, piece by piece, with the help of my friends.

Ganged Up On and Straight, Literal Bullying
*instead of using him/her, I'm using "they/them/their" to be gender neutral

I was bullied twice in primary school by a gang of senpais seniors. They'd block my way at school when we accidentally bump into each other, gather some of my friends to blame me for things I didn't understand, call me a hoe in Bahasa Indonesia (masih SD loh!!!), they even came to my house just to call me from outside and walked pass me while looking at me menacingly. That was very weird tbh. But enough to make me quite scared to go to school.

Remember those days when you were just a little child, you had a circle of friendship, then someone in that circle unintendedly irritated you, so you decided to badmouth them behind their back, then everyone in the circle started hating them too because they agreed with you, and the whole circle members started to ignore them and excluding them without telling them why? Well, I was that kid you excluded. Once in kindergarten, and once again in middle school. So many age gap but same, juvenile behavior. Since then, I became a quieter kid though I was still so much more capable to make friends than now. But since that event in middle school, I started to internalize the idea that if people hate me, that would be because of my flaw. Even when I was just being myself.

Lost Love (like that song by The Temper Trap)

Back in 2012, senior year, I broke up with my boyfriend whom I'd been dating for 1,5 year. That was the longest relationship I ever had at the time, and I loved the guy sincerely. We started out as friends in the same circle so when we broke up, I felt like the circle sorta split into two. This one actually traumatized me the most and I started to build higher walls around myself from this point on. This was me being super insecure and self-conscious, but I felt like my ex was straight-out distancing himself from me, even though we agreed to be friends and he promised to be the closest person to me still, just after the break up (ugh). We'd still see each other literally every day at school and at supplementary school, so his behavior really bothered me (not to mention it made me hurt).

When I said the group split into two, it really meant some of them spent their time more with him and less with me. There were times when him and the other half of the group would go together watch a movie or do other random things but they didn't bother to invite me, but when I reached out to them they remembered to invite the other members. I even went out of my way to confront them about how I felt but they denied it and said that it was just me being too sensitive.

So I just came to the conclusion that something really was wrong with me. I was convinced (or I convinced myself) that I was disposable, insecure, and too sensitive. Break-ups happen all the time, I'd broken up with some people before, so it was normal, but why did the break-up led to losing friends as well? Oh, right, it was because of me. I was at fault. Those were the things I came to believe for years, and the experience changed me.

Entering college, I realized that my perspective towards friendships and romantic relationships shifted. I became cynical towards any kind of intimacy with other human being, despite having a new boyfriend (who is still with me for 7 years now). I  became acquainted with new people, but I convinced myself that none of them were my friends. Even the ones I ate lunch and do homework together with all the time through all 4 years of college. When they started to confide in me, I still could not confide in them. I guarded myself so cautiously to make sure that they wouldn't leave me. I was like Eren and the people of Shiganshina, trying to cover myself from the Titans that was intimacy behind Wall Rose after Wall Maria was breached.  I made myself believe that I was satisfied with this kind of friendship; the one where I forbade myself to share too much private things about me even though they let me walk together with them through their hard times.

Eventually, my views were starting to change not long after I graduated. I worked together with 2 of my college friends (2 of the gang whom I ate lunch and do homework together with all the time). We spent even more time together and got even closer. As clichè as it sounds, it actually surprised me that time really did heal. Somehow I just couldn't bear to put up my walls anymore. I gradually opened up, actually they were the first people whom I told this story to. I started to admit that I was scared and insecure. And guess what, they stayed. They understood perfectly and they were willing to help me pass through it. It just started to sink into me that we all have our own insecurities and if their friendship is real, they won't leave you just because you're weird. After all, they're also "weird" and that's what made us friends in the first place.