The Wedding of Two Weebs: Intimate Wedding di Bale Nusa

Wow I went through a whole year without posting (as if anybody's waiting for my updates, on a blog even. Who reads blogs these days?). Nevertheless, aku mau posting di sini soal wedding-ku karena mungkin, mungkiiin, ada yang butuh info nikah di venue nikahku kemarin dan dengan kekuatan SEO postinganku sampai di layar orang yang membutuhkan.

Setelah berkali-kali ngeliat nikahan kakak-kakak sepupu, dan beberapa kali bantu urus nikahan, terutama nikahan adikku di 2021, aku jadi punya kriteria sendiri nikahanku mau gimana. Semua sepupuku nikahnya di gedung. Aku sendiri ngerasa, hmmm agak membosankan ya di gedung. Meskipun hampir pasti akan nyaman, tapi aku lebih suka liat natural lights dan tanaman-tanaman asli. Aku juga ga pengen beliin kain seragaman, karena selain nambah budget, yang dikasih kain pun jadi mesti keluar duit untuk jahit kebaya. Intinya aku gamau repot dan gamau merepotkan. Dan yang pasti, aku gamau tamu yang datang lebih dari 300 orang. Undanganku dan Tangkas sendiri sebenernya paling 100 sekian, kita lebihin sampai maksimal 300 untuk jatah tamunya orang tua. Para sepupu dan temen-temenku yang nikah duluan semua undangannya kayaknya minimal 800 orang deh, apalagi sebelum pandemi, konsep intimate wedding masih dipandang gak banget terutama sama orang-orang tua. Menurutku, itu terlalu rame, apalagi aku juga kurang suka konsep dipajang di pelaminan. Kami pengennya mingle supaya bisa beneran ketemu dan ngobrol sama tamu. And that's the kind of wedding that we got.

Target: 2019 - 2022

Setelah sepuluh tahun pacaran tanpa tanggal anniv, akhirnya kami menikah pada 16 Juli 2022 dan jadinya sekarang kami punya tanggal anniv resmi. Aku gatau apakah ada orang yang kukenal irl yang bakal baca blog-ku (lowkey berharap gaada wkwk), tapi kalo ada, mungkin udah tau kalo aku dan Tangkas udah bareng sejak SMA. We kinda took it slow, jalanin sekolah-kuliah-kerja aja dulu santai ga buru-buru. Baru pada 2019 kami nge-set planning nikah yang konkrit dan mulai bikin joint account khusus untuk tabungan nikah. Seingetku, waktu itu kami ga targetin "2022 kita nikah", cuma kita targetin 2022 mau kekumpul duit sekian rupiah. Nanti, setelah kekumpul uangnya, baru kita set tanggal dan booking segala macem. Kami pengen nikah pake uang sendiri supaya acaranya bisa sesuai yang kita mau, dan anti ngutang/kredit setelah nikah masih nyicil bayar printilan nikah :") jadi tentunya duitnya mesti kekumpul dulu.

Tapi namanya juga rencana, bisa mulus, bisa juga belok-belok. Pandemi happened, kami yang lagi LDR beda negara sejak 2018 terpaksa gabisa ketemu sama sekali selama 2,5 tahun. Kami terakhir ketemu Desember 2019. Pada kesempatan itu, kami bersama udah menyampaikan maksud mau menikah ke orang tua masing-masing.

Sejak pandemi, semua komunikasi kami hanya online. Maret-Juni 2020, kerjaanku sempet cukup hit rock bottom sehingga aku gabisa nabung selama beberapa bulan. Pertengahan 2020 baru mulai picking up the pieces, aku mulai nabung lagi tapi belum bisa sebanyak dulu (niat awalnya, kami menetapkan masing-masih nabung sejuta sekian tiap bulan, jadi jumlah totalnya nanti 50-50). Tapi yaudah apa boleh buat, nabung semampunya aja. Syukurnya, kerjaan dan penghasilan Tangkas sama sekali ga terganggu jadi dia tetep nabung sejumlah nominal awal.

Actually Getting Married: March - June 2022

Venue & Food

Di akhir 2021, kami mulai serius cari vendor. Semua vendor yang pernah aku save di IG aku cek satu-satu pricelist-nya, dimulai dari venue. Aku punya beberapa kriteria untuk venue nikahku, berdasarkan pengalamanku dateng maupun bantu ngurus nikahan orang:

1. Restoran, karena aku males nyobain katering satu persatu. Maunya sekaligus dapet tempat dan makanan.

2. Semi-outdoor, kayak yang udah kujelasin di atas. Aku mau yang ada indoor-nya juga supaya bisa ngadem kalo panas atau neduh kalo ujan, terutama buat orang tua kami dan tamu-tamu yang berumur.

3. Masih deket rumah dan aksesnya gampang, baik untuk kami pengantin dan keluarganya, juga untuk tamu. Jadi gamau yang tempatnya nyempil atau di antah-berantah. Juga menghindari area macet.

Karena rumahku dan Tangkas di area Bintaro, Jaksel minggir dikit, jadi opsi-opsi utama kami mesti yang masih termasuk Bintaro greater area. Ciputat, Cirendeu, BSD, dan Jakarta Selatan sekitaran Kebayoran Lama dan Baru masih masuk hitungan. Opsi-opsi kami pada saat itu termasuk:

- Serambi Temu, Ciputat Timur (sangat222 deket rumahku tapi di luar budget)

- Taman Kajoe, Cilandak (bagus bgt kami berdua suka bgt tapi sangat di luar budget wkwkwk)

- Omah Pawon, Cilandak (oke sih tapi waktu itu aku masih ga sreg)

- Bumi Apsari, Lebak Bulus (aku sempet mau bgt ini tapi kenapa ya gajadi, lupa)

Ada beberapa tempat lagi tapi ga semuanya aku kontak.

Sampai suatu hari di awal 2022 aku nemu Bale Nusa. Bale Nusa ini satu gedung sama Sate Khas Senayan yang di Senayan, yaitu di lantai dua-nya. Pas lihat pricelist, harganya oke banget masuk budget semua, banyak fasilitas yang udah included (listrik gede, sound system, kursi untuk tamu, mushola, parkiran luas dan valet), akses lokasinya gampang dan semua orang pasti tau jadi gabakal nyasar. Waktu itu Tangkas belum balik ke Indonesia, jadi aku survey tempatnya sama ibuku. Kami makan di sana, dianterin lihat-lihat, dan langsung mantep apalagi staff yang ngobrol sama aku sangat helpful dan komunikatif. Makanan yang disajikan di venue adalah makanan restoran group-nya si Sate, jadi udah gausah diragukan enaknya lah ya. Pulangnya, aku kirim video tur di Bale Nusa dan pricelist ke Tangkas. Dia juga langsung setuju, jadi langsung booking deh tuh untuk 16 Juli 2022.

Bale Nusa ini ga gede-gede amat, tapi juga ga sempit, dia bisa nampung 150 pax. Undangan kami sebenernya total ada hampir 300 pax. Karena ga cukup, solusinya kami bikin dua sesi acara: sesi satu yang dimulai dari akad dan silaturahmi khusus untuk keluarga, dan sesi dua khusus untuk teman-teman dan kerabat lainnya. Di sesi satu acaranya cukup formal, kami di pelaminan aja dan tamu nyamperin, ya standarlah. Baru di sesi dua acaranya lebih kasual karena yang dateng juga temen-temen doang. Di sesi dua ini kami mingle. Seneng, deh, ga cuma salaman-foto-bye aja jadinya.

Vendors

Booking-bookingan ga selesai sampai di venue. Masih ada buanyaakk banget hal lain yang mesti diurus: booking penghulu, beli mas kawin dan cincin, attire cpp-cpw, attire keluarga, dekor, fotografer, seserahan, box seserahan, undangan berapa banyak dan siapa aja. Kami cuma punya sekitar 4 bulan untuk ngurusin printilan nikah. Terpaksa mepet karena Tangkas cuma bisa leave 4 bulan dari kantornya dan setelah nikah aku ikut ke negara tempat blio kerja heuheu. Dan bukan wedding planning namanya kalau tanpa drama~

Dari aku dan Tangkas sendiri sih sebenernya gaada berantem. Tapi masalah kecil-kecil muncul dari orang tua dan keluarga yang pengen ini dan itu hehe~ common sih ya. Sejak awal, kami udah menetapkan konsepnya adalah "situ yang undang, situ yang bayar", alias kalo orang tua kami mau ada nambah jatah undangan, mereka yang nambahin budgetnya karena aku dan Tangkas hanya menyiapkan budget untuk tamu kami sendiri yang memang kami kenal dekat. Di luar soal budget yah ada miskom-miskom tapi gaada masalah gede dan semuanya resolved dengan cepat. 

Oh ya, kami ga pake WO secara resmi. Kami cuma minta bantuan sama temen deketku yang memang part time sebagai WO, lalu dia manggil temennya dua apa tiga orang untuk bantu dia di hari H. Tapi temen kami ini ngurus acara lamaran kami full sendirian wkwk keren.

Berikut list vendor yang kami pakai:

• Dekor: IG @theeveplanner. Ini owner-nya temen SMA kami!! Emang cakep punya, bisa dicek sendiri. Design cantik, staff komunikatif dan gampang dihubungi, profesional, oke banget lah.
• Fotografer: IG @libloppicture. Sebenernya nyari fotografer agak sulit journey-nya, karena yang sesuai sama kemauan kami pada di luar budget :") sampai akhirnya ketemu sama Liblop. yang style dan harganya sesuai sama kami.
• Cincin CPW: IG @heavenlynirwana. Aku bm banget cincin diamond sebenernya wkwkwk tapi kan mahal yak, eh nemu pengganti diamond yang juga lebih ramah lingkungan karena dibuat secara sintetis di lab, yaitu moissanite. Bisa baca di sini perbedaan diamond vs moissanite. Di Heavenly Nirwana, aku pesen cincin custom buat kami berdua, eh tapi ternyata cincin CPP-nya kekecilan banget. Karena pas pesen cincin Tangkas belum ada di Indo jadi gabisa ngukur langsung.
• Cincin CPP: akhirnya beli cincin silver di DParis hehe
• Attire CPW-CPP: attire kami jahit custom di penjahit langganan temen. Aku gabisa spill namanya karena blio punya project sendiri, takutnya ini info yang gaboleh di-spill wkwk.
• Tray seserahan: IG @by.afafie. Untuk tray seserahan, karena besar-besar dan berat, kami nyari yang lokasinya masih deket rumah supaya gampang ambilnya. Ketemulah sama By Afafie ini. Lokasinya di Sawah Baru, Ciputat. Masih nempel sama Bintaro area UPJ dan Bintaro Exchange. 
• Souvenir: IG @schatziscent. Souvenir kami adalah scented candle, cocok banget sama aku karena aku fanssss beratttt scented candle. Awalnya untuk souvenir kami serahkan pada nasib yang penting murah dan cakep, eh dapet deh scented candle dari Schatzi. Nemu di toko ijo. Wanginya enak, udah termasuk individual box dan custom gift tag. Bener-bener satset aja pas pesen souvenir ini.
• MC: kami pakai dua MC berbeda untuk dua sesi acara. Di sesi satu, ada Tante Munik namanya, beliau adalah temen sekolahnya ibuku. Beliau langganan jadi MC di acara wisudaan UI, dan waktu aku wisuda (kebetulan juga dari UI), beliau ketemu ibuku dan bilang, "pokoknya kalo anakmu nikah, aku MC-nya, ya!". Karena beliau sangat pro dan menawarkan jasanya, jadi untuk akad kami sama beliau. Kalau di sesi dua, kami pakai temannya teman. Dia juga MC pro tapi lebih ke yang anak muda gitu. Mau naro IG-nya tapi IG dia bukan IG business jadi gaenak mau naro sini heueheu.
• Makeup pengantin, dua ibu, dan sister of the bride: semuanya Mecapan Wedding, termasuk hijabdo. Banyakkk banget pilihan MUA-nya bagus-bagus sampe bingung wkwkwk.

Kayaknya sih itu udah semua, ya. Kami emang gak yang budget wedding banget, tapi juga ga hedon banget. Total habisnya kira-kira antara 101-105jt, tapi nominal ini termasuk acara lamaran dan hal-hal lain di luar resepsi, seperti penghulu, transport dan akomodasi pengantin dan keluarga besar pengantin kayak nginep di hotel dll karena saudara dekat kami banyak yang dari luar kota. Kalau resepsinya doang sih kayaknya di bawah 70jt deh. Masih okelah untuk nikah aesthetic di Jakarta.

Epilog: The Dream Wedding

Alhamdulillah aku seneng banget dream wedding-ku tercapai dan Tangkas juga suka sama semua vendor kami. Having seen so many weddings my whole life, I couldn't help but to have my own dream wedding yang alhamdulillah kesampaian, mana nikahnya sama suamiku yang terbaik-ik-ikkk banget. Kalo penasaran, dream wedding-ku kriterianya apa aja, sih? Nih aku kasih list:

• Venue restoran semi-outdoor
• Bisa mingle
• Gapake band, kami pake sound system yang nge-play lagu-lagu kami sendiri dari Spotify. Soalnya band tuh kencenggg banget suaranya, jadi susah kalo mau ngobrol. Padahal kan aku pengen haha-hihi sama tamu, bukan hah-hoh-hah-hoh. Lagu-lagu wedding band juga mostly ga masuk kuping kami, maklum aku sama Tangkas wibu tua huhu sukanya lagu-lagu nipon :D tapi di nikahan kami gak yang nge-play openingnya Demon Slayer juga kok. Masih tau diri lah.
• Gapake adat. Bukannya ga nasionalis, tapi aku gamau bertele-tele pake ritual kedaerahan. Maunya ya akad sesuai agama aja, abis itu resepsi ngiter-ngiter. Aku juga gamau pake attire adat karena ga pengen ada pihak keluarga yang salty karena ngerasa adatnya dia diabaikan. Selain itu, aku ga pengen pake head dress mau itu suntiang ataupun siger karena takut akunya ga nyaman (aku suku Jawa-Minang dan Tangkas suku Sunda). Juga ga pengen pake kebaya karena pake kebaya formal selama berjam-jam tuh sesakkk.
• Hanya mengundang orang-orang yang kukenal dekat. Untuk undangan jatah teman-teman, kami cuma ngundang temen se-circle. Meskipun ada circle SMP, SMA, kuliah, tetap lebih intimate daripada ngundang satu kelas atau seangkatan lah ya.

Alhamdulillah senenggg banget ini semua kesampaian, padahal aku udah punya kriteria ini dari sebelum pacaran sama Tangkas wkwk. Buat kamu yang lagi wedding planning, inget, marriage life lebih penting daripada wedding jadi siapkan diri kamu buat hidup setelah resepsi yaa. Yang masih punya trauma, healing dulu ke psikolog atau psikiater. Jangan kira kalau setelah nikah otomatis hidupmu akan bahagia selamanya berdua karena pernikahan dan cinta itu butuh effort anjay ew geli sendiri wkwkwk. Good luck!

Enjoy some more pics~

Keeping in Touch

Sooo 2 days ago I just remembered that I have a blog and was kind of wondering, how is it going? Of course, there was nothing going on because apparently I hadn't logged in since 2019. Spent an hour trying to logged in because I kind of forgot which e-mail I use and which password. I was still surprised and a bit amazed that my last entry was in 2019. I thought it was gonna be further back.

I don't really have anything to write about so I'll probably just write some updates so in 10 years I'll look back on this post and be like, "oh this is how I was when I was 27" and hope I won't cringe.

C A T S

Yes, cats are very important. My family adopted 2 cats. The older cat is Keket, not sure if I have written about her here. She moved in to our house in 2017 when she was 4 years old. Lately, I feel like she's grown more open to me. She regularly meows in front of my room everyday at around 5pm to just... hang out. She would just sit on my bed next to me when I'm chilling or she would sit on my lap if I'm on my laptop. After like 20 minutes or so, she just walks out of the door. She's only been doing this for the past one year and I'd like to believe that that's how she shows love.

Our second cat is Haru. We have her since she was a baby. She moved in just last year when she was very smol. She has a truckload of energy even after we neutered her, but gets upset stomach often. Just 2 days ago she had diarrhea. She doesn't really like to be touched but she enjoys being with people. Sometimes she just follows me when I walk around the house.

P A N D E M I C

If you haven't heard yet, the whole world is in a pandemic for a bit over a year now. I got my first dose of vaccine yesterday.

On the subject of R O M A N C E

Ooh, romance. Smexy, hawt, and steamy romance... not. My boyfriend, who lives in Malaysia since 2018, still can't come home for also a bit over a year now because of the pandemic. It's been 1,5 years since we last see each other in the flesh, as if it wasn't hard enough keeping a long distance relationship.

But weirdly enough, I feel like the quality of our communication sort of boosted up and has highly improved. It was quite hard at first because we needed to find ways to adapt to this situation and I was a bit on the edge because so many things in my life were changing in the early pandemic days. After series of fighting and debates through the phone, we figured things out and be more open and try to talk about things more because... what else can we do now other than talking? Other than our movie dates that we've been having since before the pandemic.

F R I E N D S

One thing I'm most grateful for lately is because of the pandemic, I got to reconnect with my old friends from school. It's not that we were out of touch or anything, but like we talk and meet with each other more. Even when we don't, I feel like we've became more sincere and there for each other than before (remember when I felt like we were just "pretending" to be friends because we were in the same circle of friends but not actually, personally close?).

There's actually so many details about these things but I won't go there because you (me in the future) will probably be bored. Also I'm still so sleepy, either because of the vaccine or because I spent 6 hours chatting on the phone with my boyfriend. I'm actually glad that I recovered this blog because I was kind of out of touch with my feelings these days and wished I could sort them out like I used to. Turns out, writing on the blog is the way to do it.

I may have to write more.

How I Found Friends in My Friends Again

Sometimes in the first 14 years of my life, there were several times when I was not accepted for who I was by my "friends". w0w shocking. Everybody must've been there, too, but this is how I gradually became convinced that there really was something wrong with me that made people go away, and how I started to pick myself up again, piece by piece, with the help of my friends.

Ganged Up On and Straight, Literal Bullying
*instead of using him/her, I'm using "they/them/their" to be gender neutral

I was bullied twice in primary school by a gang of senpais seniors. They'd block my way at school when we accidentally bump into each other, gather some of my friends to blame me for things I didn't understand, call me a hoe in Bahasa Indonesia (masih SD loh!!!), they even came to my house just to call me from outside and walked pass me while looking at me menacingly. That was very weird tbh. But enough to make me quite scared to go to school.

Remember those days when you were just a little child, you had a circle of friendship, then someone in that circle unintendedly irritated you, so you decided to badmouth them behind their back, then everyone in the circle started hating them too because they agreed with you, and the whole circle members started to ignore them and excluding them without telling them why? Well, I was that kid you excluded. Once in kindergarten, and once again in middle school. So many age gap but same, juvenile behavior. Since then, I became a quieter kid though I was still so much more capable to make friends than now. But since that event in middle school, I started to internalize the idea that if people hate me, that would be because of my flaw. Even when I was just being myself.

Lost Love (like that song by The Temper Trap)

Back in 2012, senior year, I broke up with my boyfriend whom I'd been dating for 1,5 year. That was the longest relationship I ever had at the time, and I loved the guy sincerely. We started out as friends in the same circle so when we broke up, I felt like the circle sorta split into two. This one actually traumatized me the most and I started to build higher walls around myself from this point on. This was me being super insecure and self-conscious, but I felt like my ex was straight-out distancing himself from me, even though we agreed to be friends and he promised to be the closest person to me still, just after the break up (ugh). We'd still see each other literally every day at school and at supplementary school, so his behavior really bothered me (not to mention it made me hurt).

When I said the group split into two, it really meant some of them spent their time more with him and less with me. There were times when him and the other half of the group would go together watch a movie or do other random things but they didn't bother to invite me, but when I reached out to them they remembered to invite the other members. I even went out of my way to confront them about how I felt but they denied it and said that it was just me being too sensitive.

So I just came to the conclusion that something really was wrong with me. I was convinced (or I convinced myself) that I was disposable, insecure, and too sensitive. Break-ups happen all the time, I'd broken up with some people before, so it was normal, but why did the break-up led to losing friends as well? Oh, right, it was because of me. I was at fault. Those were the things I came to believe for years, and the experience changed me.

Entering college, I realized that my perspective towards friendships and romantic relationships shifted. I became cynical towards any kind of intimacy with other human being, despite having a new boyfriend (who is still with me for 7 years now). I  became acquainted with new people, but I convinced myself that none of them were my friends. Even the ones I ate lunch and do homework together with all the time through all 4 years of college. When they started to confide in me, I still could not confide in them. I guarded myself so cautiously to make sure that they wouldn't leave me. I was like Eren and the people of Shiganshina, trying to cover myself from the Titans that was intimacy behind Wall Rose after Wall Maria was breached.  I made myself believe that I was satisfied with this kind of friendship; the one where I forbade myself to share too much private things about me even though they let me walk together with them through their hard times.

Eventually, my views were starting to change not long after I graduated. I worked together with 2 of my college friends (2 of the gang whom I ate lunch and do homework together with all the time). We spent even more time together and got even closer. As clichè as it sounds, it actually surprised me that time really did heal. Somehow I just couldn't bear to put up my walls anymore. I gradually opened up, actually they were the first people whom I told this story to. I started to admit that I was scared and insecure. And guess what, they stayed. They understood perfectly and they were willing to help me pass through it. It just started to sink into me that we all have our own insecurities and if their friendship is real, they won't leave you just because you're weird. After all, they're also "weird" and that's what made us friends in the first place.

2019: PLANS. BOOKS. STUFF.

Yo! It's starting to get noisy outside because it's new year's eve and the neighborhood kids are lighting up fireworks. Fireworks are pretty but we really should ban it from civil use. Some people prefer sleep more y'know.

Last new year's eve and the years before I spent them with my friends from middle school but not this year. On this new year's eve I've just finished working (who works on a new year's eve tho!? (Me because I love my job ehehe)). I thought it was still too early to sleep so I decided to write something before the year ends.

I'm not the type to make new year's resolutions, some "new year new me" BS because well I think you don't need to wait until 1st of January to start being a better person. But nevertheless, I got some goals and stuff I want to achieve in 2019 so here is one of them.

B O O K S .

I love to read ever since I was a fetus. I read anything that interests me: manga, novels, articles, people's blogs. One of the things that I like to do is trying to analyze the personality of a manga/anime character using the theories I read in my text books from university. Not that it made my GPA rocketed up but I find it amusing. So when I came to realization that my interest towards books has been decreasing over the years, I feel sad. I had this conversation a few days ago with my two friends who are also huge nerds, that they have been feeling the same way. For me, it's not that I don't like to read anymore. I still read, lots actually, but mostly manga. Fiction novels hardly ever interest me anymore, especially fantasy stuff. Even when I do get interested at a book, it was always non-fiction. I dunno I barely relate to what fiction has to offer now.

Realizing this, I tried to pick up some books at the end of 2017. Tomorrow is 2019 and I barely finished them. I'm a slow reader, but the fact that I didn't finish even just three books actually saddens me. ㅠㅠ These are what I read:

I get bored extremely easily, it's not that the books are bad or boring. It's really just me who can't maintain my attention (can I blame social media for this?). Even now I have picked another book (and still haven't finished it also). This is what I've been reading since November 2018:

And so yesterday I watched PewDiePie's video about the books he read in 2018:

https://youtu.be/pNar3Dh9zDk

It's obviously clickbait. He didn't read 721. He read 72 books. BUT STILL. THAT'S AN AMAZING NUMBER.

So I decided that in 2019, I would try to read more. Not just books with a bunch of illustrations in them. Prolly one book a month? 30 mins of reading a day? I dunno, but being able to finish at least one is an achievement for me.

Yep let's see if I can make it true or if this is just a lip-service.

May we all become the better versions of ourselves this year.

耳をすませば

Alice: Oh, but that's nonsense. Flowers can't talk.
The Rose: But of course we can talk, my dear.
The Orchid: If there's anyone around worth talking to.

Growing up as someone who's often been told that I'm too quiet or keeping everything inside, in my late teens I realized something: most people don't really listen. Listening is different than hearing, which in my personal opinion is a very fortunate skill to have. You don't even need to have ears to listen, especially in this day and age where everything can be conveyed through the tip of your fingers.

I grew up in a household where there were two narcissistic adults—one was more than the other
—who talked a lot with loud, striking voices, so I was used to feeling tuned out. They did listen sometimes though, but mostly they listened to reply. When they were blaming someone else for something bad that happened, when they needed their insights to be forced unto their kids, when they needed to vent. Sometimes for reasons that are seemingly good but actually not really: to seek for solutions, especially if I talked to them about my problems, even when I didn't ask for them to resolve my issues for me. When I think about it again, people who fall into the latter description don't actually trying to help others: they're trying to help themselves. It's probably an ego-filled desire, to satisfy some kind of need to be needed.

Anyway.

The older I get, the easier it gets for me to distinguish people's intention in listening
—not only to me, but when I listen to other people converse as well. Note that "listening" doesn't always require your ears, but also your eyes and brains, like when you scroll through Twitter.

The most common example that I found is people listen to compare their own experience or insights with their opposite. Things as simple as, "I like this song!" when a mainstream pop song plays on the radio, where the opposite replies with, "really? I hate this song so much".

Sometimes it's just trivial stuff, but other times it can be more destructive. I'm sure we all know how it feels when we share our distress to a friend and they thoughtlessly interrupt with, "omg I know how you feel, once I blah blah blah" and they go on about their "similar" experience, even though you haven't finished your story. Or worse, they would reply with "it's just a simple matter, I've been through a lot worse". Then you feel annoyed or disheartened that you don't even bother to continue.

Long ago I stumbled across a quote that said, "the reason we have two ears and just one mouth is so we could listen more and talk less". I might seem quiet for most people, but to people who I consider close to me know how talkative I can be when I want to. It's just that I filter the people who I think are worthy to talk to.

In a little while
I'll be gone
The moment's already passed
Yeah it's gone
And I'm not here

Radiohead - How to Disappear Completely

If you know me in real life, you'd know that my main concern in mental health field is depression, including its causes and its variety of levels and clinical names. I haven't even moved on from Chester Bennington's death and now another great artist, Kim Jonghyun of SHINee, took his own life four days ago. Online articles keep writing about his depression and his funeral procession, and it doesn't help ease the pain.

This phone call, it's... it's my note. That's what people do, don't they? Leave a note?

– Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock: The Reichenbach Fall ep. 3

Jonghyun did leave a note, saying how he blamed himself for feeling depressed; a "normal" thing to do for a clinically depressed person. But he wrote something that ticked me:
"But they said I should live.
I asked why so many times, but it's not for me. It's for you.
I wanted to be for me."
(translation from allkpop.com)
  
"It's not for me.. It's for you."

A couple years ago, a friend came to me telling how she wanted to end her life. Back then I kept thinking to myself, if she were to ask me why she should keep living, what would my answer be?
That it would make me sad because she was a precious friend?
That it would sadden her family?
That it would make her girlfriend grieve?
But that's what other people would feel. What about her own feelings? What should I say that wasn't going to sound selfish? What kind of answer that would bring back her purpose in life? Is there even a right answer?

I didn't know.

A person who's depressed commonly lose their will to even do things they usually love. Their passion doesn't seem to matter anymore, so I figured it'd be useless to say "don't die because you have a great talent in art". So what? My friend, Chester, and Jonghyun were all talented and successful artists yet they still (wanted to) take their own lives. Nothing mattered anymore.

"Why? I can't even end things the way I want?", Jonghyun wrote.

I wish I could came up with a better answer than "I don't know".