Last night, I spent hours talking on the phone with my best friend.
Me: I'm gonna tell you something that's been bothering me in a long time. This is the kind of thing that I'm afraid to let out, because I'm afraid that the people who are close to me will hate me. Including you, actually.
Him: what is it?
Me: the truth is... I don't really like X, one of my close friends. You know I've spent a lot, like, a lot of time with her these past few years. And I'm not the type of person who hates someone easily.
Him: yeah, I kinda get that hint because you told me some of the stuff she did that you didn't like.
Me: exactly... but you know she and I are in good terms. We never fought, we never had any conflict. Some disagreements maybe, but it's normal, right? That doesn't mean I have to hate someone who doesn't think in the same way I do.
Him: do you hate her or just some things she did?
Me: it's kinda hard to separate those two... I feel like I don't like her in general, I don't really enjoy being with her, and everything she does just... annoy me. Even though she does nothing wrong.
Him: what about her that you don't like?
Me: when I see her, or listen to her, it all feels... fake. Like, everything she does feels fake, it's as if she's acting the whole time to make the best impression. The way she does things, the way she talks, the way she thinks... feels not genuine. I mean, I know she had helped me with so many things, and when she's helping me, it feels sincere, not acting at all. But other times, like how she lives her life in general, doesn't feel that way. It's weird, right? I don't even know if that's true.
Him: maybe you're jealous of her? Is there something she got or has that makes you feel envious?
Me: I don't think so. Every event that happened in her life or everything she has that I know of is not what I want for me.
Me: there were some things she said that elevated my feelings of dislike... Like, if usually my level of dislike toward her is 5, and then she said something that triggered me so it rose up to level 10. But then in general it lowered down to 5 again.
Him: probably you're just incompatible to each other, you know?
Me: incompatible how? I lasted 3 years being close with her and we barely fought each other!
Him: maybe both of you are just very different in many ways. You're just too A and she's just very Z. All this time you expect and assume her to be A but you never realized that she's actually Z. So when she does Z, it annoys you. And then the environment forces you to be close with her because you're in the same group of friends. That way you're with her all the time, whether you like it or not.
Me: I see your point, it's like two same poles of magnets. The closer they are, the stronger they repel each other.
Him: yeah, except that you and her are two extremely different poles, which makes this weird...
Me: lol no kidding. So what do I have to do?
Him: just act normal, you know. I know you often say mean things to people even though you don't mean to hurt them, but just be aware of what you'd say to her. Don't hurt her on purpose. It's not her fault to be the opposite of what you are.
Me: yea... okay.