Friday, December 22, 2017

In a little while
I'll be gone
The moment's already passed
Yeah it's gone
And I'm not here

Radiohead - How to Disappear Completely
If you know me in real life, you'd know that my main concern in mental health field is depression, including its causes and its variety of levels and clinical names. I haven't even moved on from Chester Bennington's death and now another great artist, Kim Jonghyun of SHINee, took his own life four days ago. Online articles keep writing about his depression and his funeral procession, and it doesn't help ease the pain.

This phone call, it's... it's my note. That's what people do, don't they? Leave a note?

Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock: The Reichenbach Fall ep. 3
Jonghyun did leave a note, saying how he blamed himself for feeling depressed; a "normal" thing to do for a clinically depressed person. But he wrote something that ticked me:
"But they said I should live.
I asked why so many times, but it's not for me. It's for you.
I wanted to be for me."

(translation from allkpop.com)
  
"It's not for me.. It's for you."

A couple years ago, a friend came to me telling how she wanted to end her life. Back then I kept thinking to myself, if she were to ask me why she should keep living, what would my answer be?
That it would make me sad because she was a precious friend?
That it would sadden her family?
That it would make her girlfriend grieve?
But that's what other people would feel. What about her own feelings? What should I say that wasn't going to sound selfish? What kind of answer that would bring back her purpose in life? Is there even a right answer?

I didn't know.

A person who's depressed commonly lose their will to even do things they usually love. Their passion doesn't seem to matter anymore, so I figured it'd be useless to say "don't die because you have a great talent in art". So what? My friend, Chester, and Jonghyun were all talented and successful artists yet they still (wanted to) take their own lives. Nothing mattered anymore.

"Why? I can't even end things the way I want?", Jonghyun wrote.

I wish I could came up with a better answer than "I don't know". 

Sunday, December 3, 2017

cut open

Dear God,
dear people,
dear anyone who reads this,

I can't seem to calm down these days, and I mean it in a bad way.
My anxiety level keeps increasing, my heart beats fast as if I'm running  I haven't even had my usual dose of caffeine today.
This past few weeks I kept losing sleep at night even though I was tired from work. Even until last night, each time I closed my eyes, I thought of things that never happened: I imagined scenarios with people I used to be close with but not anymore; I imagined talking to them about stuff I wished I could talk to them about.
Even at day when I'm awake, words and thoughts are all jumbled in my head, altogether rushing to come out. Sickening. I feel like I want to throw up all the time.
I do want them to come out; I don't know how to make it happen.
It's like I can't organize my mind at all.

But worst of all, whenever I try to sleep, I constantly feel like someone's watching me.
It's most likely impossible, I know that. Even if it's true I can't even tell because I don't have some kind of supernatural ability.

I'm stressed... I think, I just don't know why.
There must be some demon I've yet to uncover that ravels under my subconsciousness and crawl under my brain.

I think I need help.
Help.

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

[working title] - ch 1

The constant beep from the heart monitor woke me up. My eyes were blurry, and my back was aching as I tried to sit up straight.
My left hand searched for my glasses on the nearest surface. Found it. I tried to recognize where I was as soon as I got my sight back. Everything was white.
A hospital room?
I got down from the bed and swiped open the curtain next to me. There was another bed... with a girl on it. The beeping sound came from her heart monitor. Well, it was still beeping, so I guessed she was either sleeping or unconscious. I walked closer toward her to see her face. Now everything started to rushing back to my head.

I was on my way to school when she suddenly flew right in front of my car on an empty crossroad. I stopped and came out of the car to check if she was alright. Her forehead had been bleeding, that explained the bandage that wrapped her head. I remembered how blood boiled in my head, but I couldn't remember anything after that. I must have had panicked and fainted. Did it happen this morning?

I opened the little drawer next to her, trying to find her belongings. I thought perhaps I could get some idea of who she was and what was she doing, jumping to a moving car like that.
Gotcha. Her phone. It wasn't password-protected. I moved my thumb rapidly across the screen. Camera roll, text, e-mail, phone book... none. They were all empty. But the battery was full. As if it was newly-bought.
"It's rude to rummage through other people's phone, you know".
"Whoa!"
Startled, I threw the phone and jumped a few steps back. The girl was just awake.
"Hey! You're gonna break it," she yelled, abruptly sitting up. "Ouch!"
"Hey, take it easy. Lie back down. You just got hit by a car," I said, holding her back with one arm and gently pushing her shoulder down with another.
"Ow... apparently so," said her. She touched her bandaged forehead. "You hit me with your car."
I started to panic again but I tried to sound as calm as I could possibly be even though my heartbeat was deafening my eardrums.
I hit her by my car. Right, that is a fact. But I didn't see her coming, that can be my alibi, right? I'm not guilty, right? Oh God, oh God... I've never been more scared in my entire life.
"Technically, it's my mother's," I replied, dropping my shaking body into the couch in a second that lasted like an hour long. All of a sudden my legs felt super heavy. I was so sure that she would hit the "help" button to call the doctors, tell on me, then the doctors would call the police, and then I would be jailed for attempt murder. My imagination alone was enough to ruin my unforeseen future. Where is that car anyway?

She saw my face and chuckled. "Don't worry, I'm not going to report you. I ran into your car on purpose."
I furrowed my eyebrows. "Come again?"
"I was trying to kill myself," she said with a smile.
I could feel my eyebrows furrowed even further, though I knew it wasn't possible. "Um... correct me if I'm wrong, but don't people normally say those kinds of things without smiling?"
She grinned even wider. "Haha, relax. But seriously, I'm sorry. You even waited for me here. Didn't you have somewhere to go?"
"Where else would I be after almost killing someone on the street? Thank God I'm not in prison right now. Besides, I wasn't waiting for you to come to. I passed out on the street right after I ran you over, so I was put in the bed right there," I replied, still trying to sound calm but for a whole other reason. But it was obvious I couldn't, so I sounded half-yelling.
"I see. I'm really sorry," she said, still wearing that stupid weird smile on her face. I couldn't tell if she was actually sorry. "You can go if you want".
"Err... yeah, I just need to see the doctor first before leaving. You know, so they won't freak out if they find out my bed is empty."

I was halfway toward the door, ready to turn the knob.
"Wait," she stopped me. "If they ask anything about this, we will agree that this was all an accident, okay? You were just driving, and I just wasn't looking because... um... I was in a hurry, so I crossed the street running. Okay?" she demanded.
My head was still processing everything that had happened, so I quickly agreed because I couldn't think of anything anyway at the time.

I opened the door and called a nurse. She called another nurse and told her to get the doctor. A minute later, the medical team escorted me back to my bed, checked my vital signs, and asked a lot of questions that I couldn't recall. I just answered everything honestly because there wasn't even any time for me to make up my answers. After all, it was all an accident. I glanced over to my left and saw her sleeping. Not long after that, they let me go home. I didn't say goodbye or anything to that girl because she was still sleeping when I left.

"I was trying to kill myself."
What the hell was that? What kind of answer was that? Was she messing up with me?
I decided to get over it because I didn't know how to find her even if I wanted to. Although even after a week, I realized I couldn't.

***

Ding-dong. Ding-dong. Ding-dong.

JESUS CHRIST. It was only 7.13 a.m. and I've only fell asleep like two hours ago because I had the night shift at my part-time job. I swear, if it's that kid again from the third floor who sells cookies, I will put a lizard in his backpack next time he goes to school.
I peeked through the peeping hole.
Knock-knock. "Hello, anybody home?" said the uninvited guest.

Then there she was, standing on the other side of my apartment door: the girl I almost killed.

Thursday, August 17, 2017

a dinner with the demon

sometimes in my sleep
I would dream
that I'm having a dinner
with my demon

in a nice, simple restaurant
we would sit facing each other
talking about life
while eating a grilled salmon

we would laugh,
me and you;
that's something we're
unfamiliar with now

we wouldn't talk
about what we could've been
because we were already
what we could've been:

friends

so after I was finished
with my meal
I would wake up feeling
mad

knowing that I
can never have a dinner with my demon
is a nightmare
came true

Monday, July 3, 2017

Counting blessings

Today I discovered 3 of the best feelings in the world:

1. Finally knowing the title and artist of a song that has been resounding in your brain for days, without even knowing the lyrics.
2. Watching your pet sleeping peacefully next to you, knowing that s/he is healthy.
3. Making a cold coffee for yourself to freshen up and it actually fulfill your expectations.

A renowned psychologist, Martin Seligman, who is best known for conceptualizing Positive Psychology, once told me to "instead of focusing on what went wrong in your day, write down 3 things that went right, and do this everyday before you go to sleep".

Everyday I try my best to be grateful of the things that I have or happened to me, and Seligman's advice is a very simple way to be so. Once you try to spot those 3 things that went right, you start to notice other good things that happened to you and suddenly you just can't really stop being glad. Satisfied. Positive. Grateful.

I think being grateful is one of the best ways to start feeling happy.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Upside-down

I've always woken up to the sound of someone's running: subtle stomps, squeaky shoes. But I wasn't this morning.
I came out of my room and saw a familiar door was closed─it's nothing unusual, it's always been closed. But something felt different.
I walked past a line of mugs on the dining table. All the mugs were full of water, except yours. Yours was empty. It was upside-down.
Things were different because a change was happening. A change that I've longed for so long. A change that I believed would be good.

Then I realized that it would stay that way for God knows how long.

"Good luck for your future endeavors", I guess.
 
Green Tea